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Now Only

from Now Only by Mount Eerie

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lyrics

NOW ONLY

I remember looking around the hospital waiting room full of people
all absorbed in their own personal catastrophes,
all reading books like Being Mortal,
all with the look in their eye.
And I remember still feeling like “No. No one can understand.”
“No. My devastation is unique.”

But people get cancer and die.
People get hit by trucks and die.
People just living their lives get erased for no reason
with the rest of us just watching from the side
and some people have to survive
and find a way to feel lucky to still be alive,
to sleep through the night.

I wrote down all the details of how my house fell apart,
how the person I love got killed by a bad disease out of nowhere for no reason,
and me living in the blast zone with our daughter and etc.
I made these songs and then
the next thing I knew I was standing in the dirt under the desert sky at night
outside Phoenix at a music festival that had paid to fly me in
to sing these death songs to a bunch of young people on drugs.
Standing in the dust next to an idling bus with Skrillex inside,
the sound of subwoofers in the distance. I had stayed up till three
talking to Weyes Blood and Father John Misty about songwriting
in the backstage bungalows,
eating fruit and jumping on the bed like lost children exploding across the earth
in a self-indulgent all-consuming wreck of ideas that blot out the stars.
To be still alive felt so absurd.

People get cancer and die.
People get hit by trucks and die.
People just living their lives get erased for no reason
with the rest of us averting our eyes.

When I was leaning on Skrillex’s tour bus
waiting for the hotel shuttle in the middle of the night
I barely knew who I was.
I looked up and saw Orion wielding a club and a shield
and there you were again,
majestic,
dead wife.

As my grief becomes calcified, frozen in stories,
and in these songs I keep singing, numbing it down,
the unsingable real memory of you
and the feral eruptions of sobbing,
these waves hit less frequently.
They thin and then they are gone.
You are gone
then your echo is gone
then the crying is gone
and what is left but this merchandise?

This is what my life feels like now:
like I got abruptly dropped off on the side of the road
in the middle of a long horrible ride in a hot van
that was too full of confident chattering dudes.

The sound of tires receding.
Taking in the night air, I say
“now only”.

credits

from Now Only, released March 16, 2018

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Mount Eerie Anacortes, Washington

on Lummi, Samish, Klallam, Tulalip and W̱SÁNEĆ land

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