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Earth

from Now Only by Mount Eerie

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lyrics

EARTH

I don’t want to live with this feeling any longer than I have to
but also I don’t want you to be gone
so I talk about you all the time
including the last day that you were alive
and I hang your pictures around the house
for me to surprise myself with and cry.
Everybody
who used to know us
seems concerned
but if they knew that when you enter my mind I am full of the love
that illuminated our house for all those years
and made this dancing child who tears through the days
with a brilliance you would have deepened
and sang along with
but you’re sleeping
out in the yard now.
What am I saying? No one is sleeping.
You don’t even have a dead body anymore.
It was taken away.
I went and wrote a check and got a cardboard box
full of your ashes
and a little plastic bag with your necklace
and I drove back home truly alone.

I guess I didn’t bury it deeply enough
when I poured out your ashes beneath the three witch hazels
that you planted in the yard a few years ago
in a triangle for us
where me and the kid were rolling in the grass the other day
and I saw actual chunks of your bones,
bleached and weathered,
uneraseable,
you’re still out there
in the spring upheaving,
coming out of the ground, into air.
Is that exact fragment your finger that once caressed me?
Not that long ago,
I still can feel it.
Is that other shard a piece of your skull that once contained the wild brain
that used to overflow with loving?
Undiscovered and gone.
Now just shrapnel remains.
Earth.

Another place I poured your ashes out was on a chair on top of a mountain
pointed at the sunset.
I went back there last week after a year has passed and noticed that
the chunks of your bones that haven’t been blown away
are indistinguishable from the other pieces of animal bones
brought there by coyotes, vultures, and gods.
Against my will I felt a little bit of solace creeping in
while I layed there on the moss.
Compost and memory,
there’s nothing else.

(I can hear Wolves In The Throne Room singing
“I Will Lay Down My Bones Among The Rocks And Roots”)

At night I sit and picture myself curled up beneath ten feet of water
at the bottom of the lake.
I imagine trout bumping against me in the low diminished light,
holding my breath, trying to be a boulder
eroding
to join you
in re-mingling
with the background
of churned muck coalescing in the dark,
to get ground back down to matter only.
Eternal and dumb,
becoming not-a-thing,
abdicating
form.

credits

from Now Only, released March 16, 2018

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Mount Eerie Anacortes, Washington

on Lummi, Samish, Klallam, Tulalip and W̱SÁNEĆ land

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